Press Releases

BERLIN, MD — Purnell has never heard of this person Andy Blizzard, but he wishes him well in McKeesport.

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BERLIN, MD — Purnell B. Jarvis, Jr, candidate for Mayor of Berlin, and a man who can fix an outboard motor with 12-2 romex and electrical tape, this morning contemplated the new so-called "honor" bestowed on Berlin, alongside his friend Frederick D. Bishop.

"Purnell," asked Frederick, "when are folks going to realize that this kind of self-promotion, 'Best Townhouse Place Award' is killing the goose that laid the golden egg?".

"Goose?", exclaimed Purnell, "don't insult waterfowl by dragging them into this. I'll tell you what it is! It's like putting on eyeliner, pink lipstick and heels, and a miniskirt, and standing on the corner at the Atlantic Hotel whispering 'hi guy' to everyone who walks by. Might as well tattoo "for sale" on her cheeks!"

"HER cheeks?," replied Frederick, "Purnell, I've been telling you that if you want to run for office, you need to get with the times. These days, that person out there in a tank top selling themselves could be a Town leader's boyfriend!"

Purnell paused. "I suppose you're right, Frederick, but I am who I am, and that's part of my campaign. I just didn't grow up in a suburban cul-de-sac eating at Applebees, then realize it was all plastic and set out to get away from that horrible existence."

"Nobody knows better than me," said Frederick, "I lived in New Jersey and taught young adults. And there's the retirees to think of, God bless them. They saw a small town with character but didn't realize that this one was committing hari-kari. The developers are doing their best to keep folks distracted with Hallmark movies and fake celebrations, but that will play out eventually."

"I hear you, Frederick," sighed Purnell, "astroturfing with feel good festivals is just putting makeup on a pig. The developers are hoping everybody's eyes follow the pretty pig instead of the bulldozer a couple hundred yards behind their house."

"We grew up in a place with its share of problems," said Frederick, "but it was a real place, smaller, with local customs, dialects, and what my profession calls folkways. The rural landscape and lower population density was integral to cultural reproduction, engaging parents and children in activities that propagated knowledge and values, things like clamming and hunting, and children spending time catching bullfrogs and crayfish in the stream, running back in the woods building forts and houses, walking down corn rows and watching tractors."

"It seemed like play, but that's cultural transmission." Frederick droned on, "Your people, Purnell, who were so focused on downtown in the 1980s and 90s, they understood that physical preservation helped keep the Town alive and, mainly, they did a good job. But what they didn't anticipate very well was that fixing up the town would attract people whose basic cultural cornerstone is a New Jersey strip mall, people who are 'loving' Berlin to death because they don't really understand, and in some cases even despise, what created the place they love. It's ironic, Purnell, and more than a little bit sad."

"You're losing me, Professor Frederick," interrupted Purnell, "but what you're saying is that if we keep enshittifying Berlin that we will all become Red Lobster and the Olive Garden? And that wearing a t-shirt with a duck on it and slapping a brand sticker supposedly about fishing on your car isn't the same thing as growing up hunting and fishing?"

"Correct," replied Frederick.

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BERLIN, MD — Purnell B. Jarvis, Jr., candidate for Mayor of Berlin, announced today that he has rented the electronic message board on the Your Store sign — the one every soul in town has driven past a thousand times, squinting at the words RENT THIS SIGN FOR $300 PER MONTH and wondering who would take up the offer.

Well, Purnell accepted the invitation.

"Three hundred bucks a month for the busiest corner in Berlin? Shoot, I'd have paid that just to keep some dimwit from putting a Hallmark Christmas movie countdown on it. Now every commuter, every school bus, every Food Lion shopper, and every fella running to the store is gonna see my message. This is what they call earned media, except I earned it by writing a check."

Campaign strategists — meaning Purnell and Frederick Bishop on the porch — are confident that the massive exposure at such a busy intersection will take the campaign to the next level. What that next level is has not been specified, but it is understood to be higher than the current level.

Purnell conceded that three hundred dollars a month is "kinda steep for a fella who mostly gets paid in crabs and favors," and allowed as how he would not be above accepting donations to defray the cost.

"But I'm particular about it. I don't want money from anybody who moved here after 2005, anybody who owns a paddleboard, or any guys who have ever worn eye shadow except for at the high school play. If you know what a jimmy is, have repaired the lights on a trailer, or have eaten a Bob's Battleship — your money spends here. Everybody else, keep it. Go get a Tibetan massage instead ... preferably in Tibet.""

The sign is expected to go live as soon as Purnell figures out how to work the remote.

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BERLIN, MD — Purnell B. Jarvis, Jr., candidate for Mayor of Berlin and a man who can tell black ducks from mallards at 300 yards at dawn, said today that the Town's latest brainstorm is the most embarrassing thing he's ever seen Berlin politicians promote, worse than when Zack sold the chicken plant at a loss without having a proper survey to know what he was selling.

Jarvis knows a real Christmas from a plastic one bought at the Ocean City outlet mall. He warns that stringing up extra tinsel to attract Hallmark is not really about "holiday cheer", it's about paving more marsh and farms to sell more shitty townhouses, which will then drive up prices further, erode our culture, and force more locals into Powellville trailers.

"Ever notice how West Ocean City townhouses show up in downtown Berlin on those real estate websites?" asked Purnell, "It ain't no accident. Next thing you know, we're gonna have a exit number on the Jersey Turnpike."

"Here's how it works, folks. Developers cultivate and capitalize on cool. They tell you it's patriotic feel good about your town, but it's not. It's really about you being their useful idiot. In New York, the developers rent apartments cheap to artists, who come, do their thing, and make the area cool. Then they kick the artists out and sell high to venture capital assholes. In Austin, the developers bought the music festivals, advertised them in LA and Chicago as some sort of magical Texas musical lifestyle, and soon half of California bid up every last efficiency apartment trying to move there."

"Same thing is going on here in Berlin, at a smaller scale: The politicians serve developer money by promoting Berlin like a fantasy postcard, a hallmark illusion. Don't be fooled, it's not about you, it's to attract come heres to buy townhouses and keep turning marshes into parking lots. If you think Hallmark fake-town is a good idea, I've got bad news for you, you're being used like chum in a crabpot."

Jarvis did not mince words about what Hallmark movies really are: They're a sugar cookie with a script and emotions made of high fructose corn syrup. He said they are 90-minute advertisements for fake towns where nobody has a real job, the diner waitress is always one page away from a book deal, and the handsome stranger comes back and falls in love with a woman who owns a bakery but never gets flour on her sweater. The whole thing is filmed in July in Canada, the snow is made of soap. It's a pile of tedious bullshit.

Are we the kind of people who think Long John Silvers fish sticks and a Chinese-made fake lobster pot on the porch at a beach house rental is real local culture? No. But those sorta folks will love the movie. 'These folks,' Jarvis said, 'don't know what corn pone is, much less how to make it. All the while the developers laugh at the foolish Berliners poisoning their own community, make bank, and buy another retirement home in the Bahamas.'

"This Hallmark idea is nonsense, plain and simple. We don't need it, it doesn't do us any good. We already have a real downtown, and we have people who can still run a trotline and pick a crab without checking their phone. We got men who can clean a deer before sunrise and women who can run a church committee and a charter boat in the same afternoon. And somebody thinks we need a sugar coated plastic movie that most people couldn't bear to watch even while folding laundry?"

Meanwhile, the drainage still backs up worse than a creek at low tide, the code is still older than his daddy's hunting coat, and the misguided planning department is out there with a tape measure making sure nobody's wreath hangs a quarter inch too low.

While the Town Council is busy imagining Berlin as a snow-globe version of itself, the people who actually keep this place alive are out there pulling crab pots, prepping their combines, cleaning out broiler houses, cleaning rooms in Ocean City, fixing air conditioners, and trying to keep the marsh from swallowing their trailers. They do not need a fake snow machine or a made-up Christmas festival to feel like something real. They already know what the wind off the bay smells like in December, and it is not the same as a canned cinnamon scented candle.

"So if you see me looking a little green around the gills, it is not the oysters. It is the secondhand embarrassment. Because a real town does not audition to be a background extra in the worst sort of cheesy made-for-TV movie. A real town knows who it is. And Berlin is better than a Hallmark Christmas town the same way a bushel of Number Ones is better than a bag of frozen imitation crab."

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BERLIN, MD — Purnell B. Jarvis, Jr., candidate for Mayor of Berlin and a man seldom at a loss for words, went out to walk his Chesapeake this afternoon and came back speechless after he saw a Delaware builder's new remodel on Burley Street.

At home he slumped in his chair and, for once, said nothing. Alarmed at his unusual state, Purnell's wife suspected a stroke and was dialing 911 when he finally showed signs of consciousness and lifted his Natty Boh. A couple cans later, and after some quality time with his dog, Purnell began to speak.

"They murdered another one. This time on Burley Street. One of my best friends lived in that house when I was a boy. Some barbarian flipper "fixed it up", and now it's an eyesore on one of the town's nicest streets. That house used to be wood, have decent window frames, and some traditional detail on the porch. Now just look at those dark tinted black metal windows with fake mullions, and those shutters? If that house were a car, the police would give it a ticket. And the yard made of rocks? We don't have rocks on the Eastern Shore."

Looks like it probably did need a new roof, but if we let companies like this remodel houses in Town, Purnell mused, things are gonna go further downhill really fast. Especially now that the Town planning department is all bat boys and no hitters.

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BERLIN, MD — Purnell B. Jarvis, Jr., candidate for Mayor of Berlin and a man who has never once in his life asked permission to speak his mind, today refused to take down his 'Make Berlin Uncool Again' campaign signs after Town officials threatened enforcement action. Town officials claim the signs require a permit and say they will march onto Purnell's property and steal the signs if they are still standing on July 9th.

But Town officials are wrong. Who wins Commissioner seats in the General Election has a direct bearing on Purnell's campaign to Make Berlin Uncool Again. The fact is that until after the general election in November, political signs are exempt from Berlin's permitting requirements — a fact Purnell says the Town knows perfectly well (Town Code Section 108-908).

The Town's threat targets roughly a half dozen Purnell signs on the south side of Berlin that have been standing for a few days - except the three that were stolen, Purnell believes the thief was possibly the Town itself, "Talk about official repression!".

Though the Town demands Purnell's signs come down, hundreds of 'I Support Public Education' signs were planted in yards, medians, and rights-of-way across Berlin for the better part of a year without so much as a raised eyebrow from code enforcement. In fact, one of those signs still stands today directly across the street from the Town planning office. Nobody at Town Hall has managed to notice it, apparently, in months of walking past it to get their peach dumplings.

"I support public education too, and I'm fine with people putting a sign in their yard saying they support it. I just want the Town to leave my political signs alone too. Seriously, you want to tell me the Town can't see a sign that's twenty feet from their own front door for a whole year, but they spotted six of mine before the glue on the stakes was dry? Please. That isn't code enforcement. That's a politician's thumb on the scale, and I've been around long enough to know the difference between a rulebook and a hit list."

Jarvis noted that the selective enforcement makes the Town's motive plain enough. 'If it were really about permits, they'd be knocking on dozens of houses from the High School halfway to Libertytown he said. 'It's about which speech makes them comfortable. If it's a flavor this Town Hall likes, it's okay, but Make Berlin Uncool Again? Different story. That one hits close to home, so all of a sudden somebody concocts a deliberate misrepresentation of the rulebook'

"This is political censorship, dressed up in a hi-vis vest and holding a clipboard. The First Amendment doesn't have a permit requirement for political signs during election season, and neither does Berlin. My signs stay up. If the Town wants to come take them, they can bring a truck, a lawyer, and a good explanation for that sign across from their own window."

Jarvis said he has instructed supporters not to remove any 'Make Berlin Uncool Again' signs and encouraged residents who want one to reach out to the campaign. 'The politicians at Town Hall see these ideas as a threat, and they're right to,' he said. 'That's exactly why the signs are staying up, and exactly why there's going to be more of them coming.'

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BERLIN, MD — Purnell B. Jarvis, Jr., candidate for Mayor of Berlin and a man who could sort topnecks from cherrystones before he knew his ABCs, announced today that he will establish Peelerville, a cultural and economic revitalization project in the heart of Berlin.

"Seems like half of Berlin lives in Wicomico County, and that just ain't right. They moved when Berlin prices ran up faster than a raccoon out of a have-a-heart trap. But in Peelerville, Berlin’s sons and daughters can take back their Town and say goodbye to Powellville trailers, Pittsville doublewides, and Salisbury sublets. I pledge that Berlin will no longer be too cool for its own people."

Peelerville is to be established in the Town Hall parking lot, and could go from there up to the Methodist Church and over to the Atlantic Hotel driveway, if necessary. Purnell warned that, at first, it will be “spartan, and I mean spartan like a deer camp after the generator dies.” Early residents should expect no more than basic shelter, shared wash facilities, and a communal kitchen run by the Ladies Auxiliary. St. Paul's Episcopal will provide tents and cots.

"Peelerville will be rough at first, like a week long church camp out when the acolytes forgot to pack the Holy Spirit. But here’s the silver lining: If we build it, they will go. Put the Berlin back in Berlin — smelly retrievers, kids firing Polish canons and BB guns at one another, politically incorrect bumper stickers, noisy power tools, coolers full of baitfish, scrapple sandwiches ... all these things start taking up the Town's mental and physical space. No more talk of Lululemon and men's eyeliner brands. Instead the air will fill with murmurs of hunting season and the smell of fritters.”"

When asked if it was too cruel to contemplate, Jarvis paused. “I don’t mean nothing mean. We're still holding the nuclear option - removing the environmental controls at Eastern Animal Foods - in reserve. They’ll just look around and see there’s suddenly a lot more Berlin in Berlin. It’s like when you try a new place to eat in West Ocean City only to realize that it's 'vegan-forward'. You pick up your keychain and go somewhere that has a catch of the day. Same thing with latte drinkers who step into Peelerville. They'll take a look and just start gravitating elsewhere. Natural."

Jarvis said he will pay for the first phase by “re-purposing some of the money that currently goes to creating instagram-ready photo ops in town.” The second phase, he added, will be funded by the economic activity of returning Berliners, “because they’ll need bait, tires, haircuts, gasoline, ammo, mosquito repellent, and all the rest.”

The candidate emphasized that Peelerville is open to “anybody born or raised in Berlin, or married to somebody born or raised in Berlin.” He also noted that the Fire Company's recruitment deficit will disappear instantly, solving one of the Town's serious problems.

“This town is filling up with people who think Berlin is some sort of theme park,” said Jarvis, a man who once had his TV repaired uptown. “I aim to make it a place where people from here can live here again, and if a few out-of-towners find that vibe less convenient, well, McKeesport is waiting for them with open arms.”

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BERLIN, MD — BERLIN, MD — Purnell B. Jarvis, Jr., candidate for Mayor, today confirmed that he will create mandatory detours for all chicken trucks passing the Town on Route 113. The alternative routes will run from his election until such time as the fragrance is unnecessary.

The Berlin Police Department will require northbound chicken trucks to exit Route 113 at Germantown Rd / South Main Street and then proceed on Main St through downtown to Old Ocean City Road, where they will turn right and then rejoin Route 113 at the Atlantic General / Food Lion intersection.

Southbound chicken trucks will be required to exit Route 113 by turning right at the Bay Street signal. Approximately 900 feet west of Route 113, they will announce their arrival in Berlin with a horn blast. Due to the need for a workable turning radius at intersections, a hairpin route for southbound trucks will be necessary. After turning onto Bay, southbound trucks will bear right on Pitts Street, cross Main onto Commerce and then onto Broad Street. They will cross the railroad tracks and then turn right on Harrison Avenue and right again at Baker St. They will then make another right onto Main, turning south to rejoin Route 113 at the ballfields.

Purnell will instruct the Berlin Police Department to impound any truck that fails to follow the required route at a downtown municipal parking area.

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BERLIN, MD — Purnell B. Jarvis, Jr., candidate for Mayor of Berlin and a man who makes 'Crisco not Sysco' a guiding principle, has pledged to turn the old chicken plant into a school to teach recent arrivals how to be useful citizens. He's calling it Shorebilly University and has asked Frederick D. Bishop to be its President. Purnell explains that the concept came to him like a bolt of lightning.

"I used to look down on chicken-neckers - Families in beat-up K-cars at motels west of the bridge, the kids eating a cold English's drumstick for breakfast. They'd go to South Point, net a couple tiny sooks, and then try to steam them in a kitchen pot on top of a barbeque grate back at the Alamo. It was horrible. But now I'm ashamed about feeling superior to those kids, stuck at the boat ramp on a hot July day, not riding the Tilt-a-Whirl like the ones whose daddies had union jobs."

Chicken-neckers would never film you putting on hip boots and post it on TikTok as a joke. They wouldn't slap you with jet-ski wake while you were progging in Sinepuxent Bay. And they'd never make fun of Purnell's truck. The scales fell from Purnell's eyes as he sipped a Natty Boh and pet his slightly overweight Chesapeake, Reagan: Rather than being the butt of jokes, chicken neckers could be a solution.

Chicken neckers don't come with strange and snotty requirements. They want stuff like a bucket, string and a net from the hardware store. And they'd need a six pack, bag of chips, and a slim jim from Nick's ... maybe a little sunscreen and a hat from Farley's, and a coloring book for Tiffany, who is scared of crabs and will sit in the car. Some meat tenderizer, aluminum foil and maybe the National Inquirer at Acme. And some fried chicken. Wait, fried chicken? When was the last time an eight piece box and sides was served in Berlin?

Chicken-neckers wanted a lot of same things he did, Purnell thought, and on balance he'd be happier living with them than in the middle of an alien shitshow like West Ocean City. He used to know normal people that lived in normal houses in West Ocean City, black and white, with money and without. Not anymore.

"I'll work on a swap strategy with the Mayor of McKeesport, PA to see how many come-heres he might be willing to take in a trade. But we also have to face the fact that some are going to stay, and when life deals you lemons, you have to make lemonade. That's where Shorebilly University comes in, it'll be a place where Berlin's hipsters, beardos, lumbersexuals, furries, and whatevers can learn how to become more humble and useful citizens, and learn something about the place they decided to call home."

Purnell will appoint Berlin native Frederick D. Bishop, an anthropologist recently returned to his family home in Berlin, as President. Purnell worked for months to convince Frederick. "Too much like the privileged kids I taught in New Jersey," Bishop protested, "I came home to get away from that, Purnell, you moron!" But Purnell eventually prevailed, because Frederick has always been a little bit of soft touch, despite his time in New Jersey.

The breakthrough came when Frederick and Purnell realized they could defund the Town economic development office and use the money to pay Shorebilly U. salaries. That would be a two for one. Money for Shorebilly, but also fewer bullshit "cool" events downtown, and no more having to look at imaginary horned animals farting rainbows on the town's walls. It's a win-win, thought Bishop, I can't say no.

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BERLIN, MD — Purnell B. Jarvis, Jr., candidate for Mayor of Berlin and a man who takes his knife clamming so he can grab a snack, announced today that when elected, he will revive the time-honored local tradition of placing a legally harvested deer on the hood of one's vehicle and driving down Main Street.

"Nothing will say 'uncool' to those folk more than guys with rifles, in camo, driving muddy trucks with Browning stickers up and down Main Street with a big buck strapped to the hood, tongue hanging out, blood dripping onto the radiator grill."

Purnell reminisced about a Berlin where hunters didn't hide their success.

"Used to be, you'd see three, four trucks a day coming back to town, every one of 'em wearing a deer like a hood ornament. You saw cars too, since not everybody had a truck. Didn't bother nobody. It was just what you did. When I bring the deer back to do laps between the Fire Company and the Presbyterian Church, the influencer wannabes are gonna have a shitfit. And that, my friends, is exactly why I'm running for mayor."

The candidate stressed that transporting your deer for processing is legal, ethical, and an important part of the town's cultural fabric. He also noted that a half dozen of his friends were already signed up. Purnell did not specify whether the town would provide ratchet straps, but said his administration would "at least make sure nobody gets a ticket for it."

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BERLIN, MD — Purnell B. Jarvis, Jr., Berlin mayoral candidate and the last man in town who still pays cash for gas, revealed today that his campaign announcement was yanked clean off the "We ❤️ Berlin" Facebook Group by one Zony Peeg, a man Purnell describes as "about as local as the sushi place that used to be an IGA."

Peeg, who administers the group with all the restraint of a HOA president with a new clipboard, removed Purnell's announcement without so much as a "howdy-do." Purnell was not surprised.

"Now, I know why he did it. Zony's in thick with the come-here crowd. The kind of people who move here from wherever, buy a fixer-upper, name it something cute, and suddenly they're telling lifelong locals how to live. Bless his heart."

And Purnell had some observations about Peeg's online presence as well.

"Zony's running around with a brown avatar, and far as I can tell, the man ain't brown. That kind of makes you scratch your head. I like a nice fried black drum, but I've never blackfished and I never will. But I guess that's typical for these folks. They show up, and next thing you know they're erasing a local man's truly heartfelt campaign like he never mattered. Zony ain't gonna erase me with an itchy finger and the delete button."

The "We ❤️ Berlin" Facebook Group, once a place to find out if the ice plant was flooded or whose chickens were loose, has reportedly dwindled to little more than a bulletin board for complaints about teenaged pranks and extremely boring yet breathless and marginally accurate summaries about Town Council meeting agendas.

Purnell remains undeterred. To better get the word out — since apparently Zony's finger is hovering over the ban button — Purnell will be hosting a meet-and-greet at Bill Williams Tavern downtown this Friday at 7:00 PM. Natty Boh and Jim Beam will be served. No cover, no dress code, and absolutely no one will ask you how you "discovered" Berlin.

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BERLIN, MD — After months of being asked by folks at the VFW, the repair shop, and pretty much anyone who knew him in high school, Purnell B. Jarvis, Jr. announced today that he is running for Mayor of Berlin.

"Look, I didn't want to do this. But the town I was born in is getting overtaken by moneygrubbing morons who actually believed that little joke about Berlin being 'cool.' So here we are."

Purnell, whose campaign slogan is "Make Berlin Uncool Again," says his platform is simple: fewer people trying to turn Berlin into somewhere else, and more of the town folks actually grew up in.

"The radio in this truck works when it feels like it. That's about how reliable the current approach to running this town has been."

The campaign has already picked up key local support.

"Purnell rocks like a hurricane."

Other supporters include Johnny Leger, Bob Dennis, Mike at Roland's, and Uncle Ned France.

Purnell's dog, who rides in the cab in winter and the bed in summer, could not be reached for comment but is widely understood to get a vote on transportation matters.

The campaign will not be accepting donations from anyone who has ever used the phrase "hidden gem" to describe Berlin. Supporters can purchase merchandise, or trade in their attempts to be cool, at his website, uncoolberlin.com.

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