Berlin, Maryland — Mayoral Race

Make Berlin Uncool Again

Purnell B. Jarvis, Jr. for Mayor

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From The Campaign

Press Releases

Official statements, distributed first at Goobers and the counter at Conley's.

Index — Select a Release

September 11, 2026Purnell Denies Responsibility for Fiddler's Convention SignsCampaign stresses that the candidate knows his way around a liquor label.Read Release →
August 24, 2026Purnell busts out the Merch with a new Campaign OutletZabor & Mays hired to defend against theft by the Town of BerlinRead Release →
August 22, 2026Purnell Tables Low Cost Plan for Heron ParkAfter years of committees, council meetings, and Zack's broken bromance with Billy Boberson, Purnell B. Jarvis delivers the most cohesive plan ever tabled for Heron ParkRead Release →
17 August 2026Berlin Releases 2027 Festival SchedulePurnell embarrassed by advertising misstep, disassociates himself from idiotic festival plans.Read Release →
12 AUGUST 2026Purnell and Bishop Shine a Light on Berlin's HOA Shell GameTown taxpayers are quietly picking up the tab for developer shortcuts, failing HOAs, and a Planning Department that can't seem to hire qualified planners.Read Release →
10 August 2026Town of Berlin Busted for Political Sign TheftSign Stolen by Town Truck Wasn't Even Inside Town LimitsRead Release →
August 8, 2026Purnell Unveils Shorebilly University Diploma in Pleasant LivingMayoral candidate says come-heres will finally have a path to respectability, thanks to Frederick D. Bishop's rigorous new curriculum.Read Release →
23 Jul 2026Purnell confused by Andy BlizzardWho is Andy Blizzard?Read Release →
22 July 2026Purnell Reflects on Berlin's So-Called AwardShow 'em the town, sell 'em the vinyl!Read Release →
15 JULY 2026Purnell Rents Your Store Electronic SignJarvis takes over the most-watched LED board in town with his uncompromising messageRead Release →
14 July 2026Hallmark: Berlin Runs Out of Anti-DiarrhealsMayoral candidate says the town's Hallmark Christmas bid has caused a run on stomach pills, and the whole stinking business smells like developer moneyRead Release →
7 July 2026Purnell Left Speechless by Burley Street RemodelWife was dialing 911 when Purnell finally showed signs of lifeRead Release →
6 July 2026Purnell Stares Down Political Censorship Threat by the Town of BerlinTown officials threaten to yank a half dozen "Make Berlin Uncool Again" signs claiming they need a permit — while hundreds of "I Support Public Education" signs stood untouched for nearly a year, including one still up that's directly across from the Town planning office. Purnell says his signs stay put.Read Release →
28 June 2026Occupy Berlin: Purnell Promises PeelervilleBerlin will never be too cool for its own people again. Jarvis to build a place to which the Town’s sons and daughters can return; says once it gets going, the rest will “sort itself out”.Read Release →
25 June 2026Purnell Confirms Downtown DetoursChicken trucks transiting Berlin will go through town instead of staying on the highwayRead Release →
21 June 2026Chicken Neckers Ain't So Bad: Purnell to Create Shorebilly UniversityMayoral candidate says you can't get rid of 'em, so you might as well educate 'emRead Release →
18 June 2026Purnell B. Jarvis, Jr. Pledges Dead Deer ParadesMayoral candidate says nothing repels trend-chasers like a bloody buck on the hoodRead Release →
16 June 2026Purnell Defiant After Being Censored by the Dying We ❤️ Berlin Facebook GroupAdministrator removes campaign announcement in brazen act of censorshipRead Release →
15 June 2026Purnell B. Jarvis, Jr. Announces Candidacy for Mayor of Berlin: "Make Berlin Uncool Again"Local lifer says town needs less trendiness, more honestyRead Release →

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Treasurer: Tommy "Fishead" Barnes

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A work of satire. Purnell B. Jarvis, Jr. is a fictional character and is not a real candidate for any office in Berlin, Maryland or anywhere else.