BERLIN, MD — After months of being asked by folks at the VFW, the repair shop, and pretty much anyone who knew him in high school, Purnell B. Jarvis, Jr. announced today that he is running for Mayor of Berlin.

"Look, I didn't want to do this. But the town I was born in is getting overtaken by moneygrubbing morons who actually believed that little joke about Berlin being 'cool.' So here we are."

Purnell, whose campaign slogan is "Make Berlin Uncool Again," says his platform is simple: fewer people trying to turn Berlin into somewhere else, and more of the town folks actually grew up in.

"The radio in this truck works when it feels like it. That's about how reliable the current approach to running this town has been."

The campaign has already picked up key local support.

"Purnell rocks like a hurricane."

Other supporters include Johnny Leger, Bob Dennis, Mike at Roland's, and Uncle Ned France.

Purnell's dog, who rides in the cab in winter and the bed in summer, could not be reached for comment but is widely understood to get a vote on transportation matters.

The campaign will not be accepting donations from anyone who has ever used the phrase "hidden gem" to describe Berlin. Supporters can purchase merchandise, or trade in their attempts to be cool, at his website, uncoolberlin.com.

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