Taking crap from the beardos & hipsters so you don't have to.
"Right to a Quiet Sunday —
Except Target Practice."
"Every true local's favorite candidate."
— The Maryland Coast Press
Berlin doesn't need another ladies' boutique, another dumbass mural with pictures of phony animals who are probably gay, and not a single damn more article in a glossy, girly magazine that people from D.C. read on the train. It needs a mayor who goes clamming barefoot, knows his way around a .30-06, who his neighbor's daddy was, and what time the fire siren blows.
We do not need another four-story building surrounded by blacktop laid down by some middling developer everyone pretends is worth a damn.
The marsh and critters were here first. The crabs were here first. Purnell's daddy was here first. Purnell likes crabs and beer and does not like Lexus drivers from Bethesda. The condos can go pound sand up in Delaware.
Ever since Gee hit the reload button 20,000 times on that "cool town" website, Berlin keeps winning praise for being charming. If you ask Purnell, he'd tell you the truth: The whole "cool" thing started with massive voter fraud.
These days every new article in the lifestyle section of some big city paper brings another 250 come-heres with podcasts and instagram accounts. Enough is enough. Purnell will make Berlin boring again, on purpose, by Wednesday.
Make Berlin Uncool Again.
The Berlin Fire Company is the finest institution in this town. Purnell's daddy knew every man who ever rode a truck out of that house. He's watched more controlled burns than Superbowls.
Whatever the Company asks for — equipment, extra uniforms — the answer from the mayor's office will be yes, and the answer will be yes before the question is finished. The muskrat dinner is sacred. The bingo is sacred. The parade truck is sacred. There is no irony in this plank, and there will never be.
Purnell was born off Main Street, went to school here, got in one fight here he'll admit to, and has never once considered leaving for the wrong side of the Bay Bridge. His pickup is older than most of the people opening shops.
Read his story →Uncle Ned. The Odd Fellows. Mike from Roland's. Johnny Leger and John Howard Burbage. Bob Dennis. Eric Brittingham. That's a coalition. We'll put those guys up against a team of come here's grown up playing X-Box and eating advocado toast any day.
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