BERLIN, MD — Purnell B. Jarvis, Jr., candidate for Mayor of Berlin and a man who could sort topnecks from cherrystones before he knew his ABCs, announced today that he will establish Peelerville, a cultural and economic revitalization project in the heart of Berlin.

"Seems like half of Berlin lives in Wicomico County, and that just ain't right. They moved when Berlin prices ran up faster than a raccoon out of a have-a-heart trap. But in Peelerville, Berlin’s sons and daughters can take back their Town and say goodbye to Powellville trailers, Pittsville doublewides, and Salisbury sublets. I pledge that Berlin will no longer be too cool for its own people."

Peelerville is to be established in the Town Hall parking lot, and could go from there up to the Methodist Church and over to the Atlantic Hotel driveway, if necessary. Purnell warned that, at first, it will be “spartan, and I mean spartan like a deer camp after the generator dies.” Early residents should expect no more than basic shelter, shared wash facilities, and a communal kitchen run by the Ladies Auxiliary. St. Paul's Episcopal will provide tents and cots.

"Peelerville will be rough at first, like a week long church camp out when the acolytes forgot to pack the Holy Spirit. But here’s the silver lining: If we build it, they will go. Put the Berlin back in Berlin — smelly retrievers, kids firing Polish canons and BB guns at one another, politically incorrect bumper stickers, noisy power tools, coolers full of baitfish, scrapple sandwiches ... all these things start taking up the Town's mental and physical space. No more talk of Lululemon and men's eyeliner brands. Instead the air will fill with murmurs of hunting season and the smell of fritters.”"

When asked if it was too cruel to contemplate, Jarvis paused. “I don’t mean nothing mean. We're still holding the nuclear option - removing the environmental controls at Eastern Animal Foods - in reserve. They’ll just look around and see there’s suddenly a lot more Berlin in Berlin. It’s like when you try a new place to eat in West Ocean City only to realize that it's 'vegan-forward'. You pick up your keychain and go somewhere that has a catch of the day. Same thing with latte drinkers who step into Peelerville. They'll take a look and just start gravitating elsewhere. Natural."

Jarvis said he will pay for the first phase by “re-purposing some of the money that currently goes to creating instagram-ready photo ops in town.” The second phase, he added, will be funded by the economic activity of returning Berliners, “because they’ll need bait, tires, haircuts, gasoline, ammo, mosquito repellent, and all the rest.”

The candidate emphasized that Peelerville is open to “anybody born or raised in Berlin, or married to somebody born or raised in Berlin.” He also noted that the Fire Company's recruitment deficit will disappear instantly, solving one of the Town's serious problems.

“This town is filling up with people who think Berlin is some sort of theme park,” said Jarvis, a man who once had his TV repaired uptown. “I aim to make it a place where people from here can live here again, and if a few out-of-towners find that vibe less convenient, well, McKeesport is waiting for them with open arms.”

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