BERLIN, MD — Purnell B. Jarvis, Jr., candidate for Mayor of Berlin, and a man who has eaten more bird shot than most, announced today that when elected he will formally recognize the Shorebilly University Diploma in Pleasant Living as a requirement for all town employees and business operators who did not grow up in Worcester County.

The diploma, developed under the steady hand of Frederick D. Bishop, President of Shorebilly, is a two-semester course of study followed by a six-month practicum. Students will learn to distinguish a topneck from a cherrystone, identify a real farm stand from a fake one, and understand why Berlin is not Ocean City, no matter how many people from New Jersey try to make that happen.

Frederick D. Bishop personally oversaw the diploma's development and, according to Purnell, has produced a program that will finally give come-heres a fighting chance to act like proper residents. "Frederick is a man of vision and patience," Purnell said. "You need both when you're trying to teach a grown adult from Bethesda not to get pinched when sorting crabs."

The Diploma in Pleasant Living will become mandatory in 2028 for all Berlin business operators and employees, as well as town government workers, unless they can prove they grew up in Worcester County, excepting Ocean City or Ocean Pines.

The core curriculum, Purnell emphasized, is non-negotiable: every student will pass Chicken Necking 101, learn to tell an osprey from a pigeon in Seaside Critters, and master the difference between a fritter and a frittata in Shore Cooking before they are allowed to so much as comment on a Facebook post about the Farmers Market. Electives include Waterfowl — taught without smartphones, because Purnell does not trust anyone who cannot identify a puddle duck with their own two eyes — and Progging, which he described as what you do when the zombie apocalypse hits and all you have got is a knife, a hand net, and a family full of people who expect you to feed them.

The practicum, Purnell added, is where the come-heres either sink or swim. Students will pull pots alongside real watermen on the bay, learning to distinguish jimmys from sooks fast enough to avoid a salty insult, or they will spend six months as a provisional cadet at the Berlin Fire Company, where the only participation trophy is the chance to clean the trucks and maybe earn a promotion. And we'll send them to a motel in Ocean City to change sheets, Purnell added. That is the housekeeping track, one that is particularly targeted for people who think that Berlin should be a suburb of Ocean City.

###