BERLIN, MD — Purnell B. Jarvis, Jr, candidate for Mayor of Berlin, and a man who can fix an outboard motor with 12-2 romex and electrical tape, this morning contemplated the new so-called "honor" bestowed on Berlin, alongside his friend Frederick D. Bishop.

"Purnell," asked Frederick, "when are folks going to realize that this kind of self-promotion, 'Best Townhouse Place Award' is killing the goose that laid the golden egg?".

"Goose?", exclaimed Purnell, "don't insult waterfowl by dragging them into this. I'll tell you what it is! It's like putting on eyeliner, pink lipstick and heels, and a miniskirt, and standing on the corner at the Atlantic Hotel whispering 'hi guy' to everyone who walks by. Might as well tattoo "for sale" on her cheeks!"

"HER cheeks?," replied Frederick, "Purnell, I've been telling you that if you want to run for office, you need to get with the times. These days, that person out there in a tank top selling themselves could be a Town leader's boyfriend!"

Purnell paused. "I suppose you're right, Frederick, but I am who I am, and that's part of my campaign. I just didn't grow up in a suburban cul-de-sac eating at Applebees, then realize it was all plastic and set out to get away from that horrible existence."

"Nobody knows better than me," said Frederick, "I lived in New Jersey and taught young adults. And there's the retirees to think of, God bless them. They saw a small town with character but didn't realize that this one was committing hari-kari. The developers are doing their best to keep folks distracted with Hallmark movies and fake celebrations, but that will play out eventually."

"I hear you, Frederick," sighed Purnell, "astroturfing with feel good festivals is just putting makeup on a pig. The developers are hoping everybody's eyes follow the pretty pig instead of the bulldozer a couple hundred yards behind their house."

"We grew up in a place with its share of problems," said Frederick, "but it was a real place, smaller, with local customs, dialects, and what my profession calls folkways. The rural landscape and lower population density was integral to cultural reproduction, engaging parents and children in activities that propagated knowledge and values, things like clamming and hunting, and children spending time catching bullfrogs and crayfish in the stream, running back in the woods building forts and houses, walking down corn rows and watching tractors."

"It seemed like play, but that's cultural transmission." Frederick droned on, "Your people, Purnell, who were so focused on downtown in the 1980s and 90s, they understood that physical preservation helped keep the Town alive and, mainly, they did a good job. But what they didn't anticipate very well was that fixing up the town would attract people whose basic cultural cornerstone is a New Jersey strip mall, people who are 'loving' Berlin to death because they don't really understand, and in some cases even despise, what created the place they love. It's ironic, Purnell, and more than a little bit sad."

"You're losing me, Professor Frederick," interrupted Purnell, "but what you're saying is that if we keep enshittifying Berlin that we will all become Red Lobster and the Olive Garden? And that wearing a t-shirt with a duck on it and slapping a brand sticker supposedly about fishing on your car isn't the same thing as growing up hunting and fishing?"

"Correct," replied Frederick.

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