BERLIN, MD — Purnell B. Jarvis, Jr., candidate for Mayor of Berlin and a man seldom at a loss for words, went out to walk his Chesapeake this afternoon and came back speechless after he saw a Delaware builder's new remodel on Burley Street.

At home he slumped in his chair and, for once, said nothing. Alarmed at his unusual state, Purnell's wife suspected a stroke and was dialing 911 when he finally showed signs of consciousness and lifted his Natty Boh. A couple cans later, and after some quality time with his dog, Purnell began to speak.

"They murdered another one. This time on Burley Street. One of my best friends lived in that house when I was a boy. Some barbarian flipper "fixed it up", and now it's an eyesore on one of the town's nicest streets. That house used to be wood, have decent window frames, and some traditional detail on the porch. Now just look at those dark tinted black metal windows with fake mullions, and those shutters? If that house were a car, the police would give it a ticket. And the yard made of rocks? We don't have rocks on the Eastern Shore."

Looks like it probably did need a new roof, but if we let companies like this remodel houses in Town, Purnell mused, things are gonna go further downhill really fast. Especially now that the Town planning department is all bat boys and no hitters.

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