BERLIN, MD — Purnell B. Jarvis, Jr., candidate for Mayor of Berlin and a man who makes 'Crisco not Sysco' a guiding principle, has pledged to turn the old chicken plant into a school to teach recent arrivals how to be useful citizens. He's calling it Shorebilly University and has asked Frederick D. Bishop to be its President. Purnell explains that the concept came to him like a bolt of lightning.

"I used to look down on chicken-neckers - Families in beat-up K-cars at motels west of the bridge, the kids eating a cold English's drumstick for breakfast. They'd go to South Point, net a couple tiny sooks, and then try to steam them in a kitchen pot on top of a barbeque grate back at the Alamo. It was horrible. But now I'm ashamed about feeling superior to those kids, stuck at the boat ramp on a hot July day, not riding the Tilt-a-Whirl like the ones whose daddies had union jobs."

Chicken-neckers would never film you putting on hip boots and post it on TikTok as a joke. They wouldn't slap you with jet-ski wake while you were progging in Sinepuxent Bay. And they'd never make fun of Purnell's truck. The scales fell from Purnell's eyes as he sipped a Natty Boh and pet his slightly overweight Chesapeake, Reagan: Rather than being the butt of jokes, chicken neckers could be a solution.

Chicken neckers don't come with strange and snotty requirements. They want stuff like a bucket, string and a net from the hardware store. And they'd need a six pack, bag of chips, and a slim jim from Nick's ... maybe a little sunscreen and a hat from Farley's, and a coloring book for Tiffany, who is scared of crabs and will sit in the car. Some meat tenderizer, aluminum foil and maybe the National Inquirer at Acme. And some fried chicken. Wait, fried chicken? When was the last time an eight piece box and sides was served in Berlin?

Chicken-neckers wanted a lot of same things he did, Purnell thought, and on balance he'd be happier living with them than in the middle of an alien shitshow like West Ocean City. He used to know normal people that lived in normal houses in West Ocean City, black and white, with money and without. Not anymore.

"I'll work on a swap strategy with the Mayor of McKeesport, PA to see how many come-heres he might be willing to take in a trade. But we also have to face the fact that some are going to stay, and when life deals you lemons, you have to make lemonade. That's where Shorebilly University comes in, it'll be a place where Berlin's hipsters, beardos, lumbersexuals, furries, and whatevers can learn how to become more humble and useful citizens, and learn something about the place they decided to call home."

Purnell will appoint Berlin native Frederick D. Bishop, an anthropologist recently returned to his family home in Berlin, as President. Purnell worked for months to convince Frederick. "Too much like the privileged kids I taught in New Jersey," Bishop protested, "I came home to get away from that, Purnell, you moron!" But Purnell eventually prevailed, because Frederick has always been a little bit of soft touch, despite his time in New Jersey.

The breakthrough came when Frederick and Purnell realized they could defund the Town economic development office and use the money to pay Shorebilly U. salaries. That would be a two for one. Money for Shorebilly, but also fewer bullshit "cool" events downtown, and no more having to look at imaginary horned animals farting rainbows on the town's walls. It's a win-win, thought Bishop, I can't say no.

###