BERLIN, MD — — The Purnell B. Jarvis for Mayor Campaign announces the Grand Opening of the Purnell B. Jarvis, Jr. Campaign Outlet, featuring a wide variety of Purnell merchandise at bargain prices.

“From yard signs to koozies, we’ve got you covered,” bragged Purnell. “We’ve got hats, in red of course, and a variety of bumper stickers that are only three bucks each,” he added, pointing to his personal favorite, “Defund the Berlin Economic Development Office”.

“And for the kiddoes we’ve got some of those little stickers that you see on gas pumps and all over the light posts at Food Lion,” Purnell noted, “not that we’re encouraging that sort of behavior. We think the little stickers would look great on a computer or cell phone, or used to seal the envelope the next time you send in a utility bill payment.”

The campaign is also gauging interest in t-shirts and on-demand poster printing of 18’ x 24” nuggets of Purnell wisdom, such as “Crabs Before Condos”, "Bring back the deer!”, and the 2027 Berlin Festival Schedule, items that would make a great gift for Mom or Dad.

The Purnell B. Jarvis Outlet will be open during normal business hours Tuesday to Saturday. For discreet delivery in and close to Berlin, orders can be made via e-mail (purnell@uncoolberlin.com). Personal checks, cash, and even credit cards are accepted.

In a related development, following the officially-sanctioned theft incidents that have occurred, Purnell has hired Zabor & Mays as the Campaign’s official security consultants. On their advice, the physical location of the Outlet Store will not be published and is only available by word of mouth. So start asking around!

“I’ve neutralized many threats over the years, but defending my friend Purnell against Town government kleptos is a new one,” notes Richard Zabor, co-CEO of Zabor & Mays.

“I don’t beat around the bush, so to the Mayor I have this to say: I’m a hard man, and if you come to pilfer Purnell's stuff again, you'll be be dealing with me,” growled Zabor, veins bulging, right hand on a holstered taser and left fiddling with the safety on the can of bear spray on his belt.

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